evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
