This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
