I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
