I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
