I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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