I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
