What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
