I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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