Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
