Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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