imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
