There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
