Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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