how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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