Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just found puke in my bra..
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I have surprise drugs for everyone
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
