I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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