people are starting to question the shark bite story
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
