after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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