so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
