My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
