it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
