i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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