Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
