Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
