im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
