I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
