grandma shit on top of the toilet
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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