I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
