I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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