The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize