Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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