I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
