goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
