Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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