I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
