In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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