I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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