Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
