I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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