I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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