my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
