Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
