There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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