How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
