When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
