Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
