I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You are a genius and a whore.
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