My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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