I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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