T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
