Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
