i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
