he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
